Anyone who's ever been uncomfortable with their weight can probably relate to this feeling - the niggling worry that you look big in that photo, that you're too big to do this/wear this/act a certain way. The idea that someone, or everyone, is making fun of you when you're shopping in the supermarket "ha! A trolley full of fruit - who does she think she's kidding?" or out for a meal "look at that pig, shoveling all that shit down her throat".
I've always been 'bigger', in terms of weight, height and boobs when I was at school (yay, I hit puberty earlier then everyone else, cue social awkwardness from the age of 11 - 14) and never felt feminine. I actively rejected the feminine label when I was very young - 12 and under, declaring myself a tomboy, saying I was allergic to the colour pink and refusing to wear anything other than trousers which drove my poor mum insane.
When I grew up a bit at secondary school I was more relaxed about the whole girly thing, I wore dresses and skirts but wasn't very comfortable in myself and was in a group of friends who would pick up on EVERY detail and everyone had to follow the fashion trends, wear certain things, have their hair a certain way or they'd be picked on or kicked out of the group.
I always felt like the fat one (and, in my friend group, I definitely was) and the fat insult would always be used in any argument I had with friends, although quickly retracted when we made up of course. I went through years of self-loathing and gained further weight when I left home as I had control over what I could eat and ate through a lot of guilt and more self-loathing.
Now that I've lost 60+lbs that feeling still remains, although lessened, and I am constantly looking at other women and trying to work out if that's how I look to other people - I am extremely unsure of what clothing size I am, no matter how many size 10s that I try on and fit, and even more unsure of how other people perceive me. This is partly to do with the large weight loss but it's more to do with what's going on inside my head, I don't know myself entirely and I find it incredibly difficult to see the difference between how I now look and how I looked before (one of the reasons that I post several before/after photos as when they're next to each other the difference is undeniable).
I don't really know what the answer is but all I do know is that I'm still very anxious about being the fat one and about people thinking that I'm bigger and pitying or dismissing me as a result. I guess it's confidence more than anything that I need to work on - much more difficult than the physical diet and exercise side of weight loss but still needs to be addressed.