Tuesday, 28 May 2013

Feeling big...

Anyone who's ever been uncomfortable with their weight can probably relate to this feeling - the niggling worry that you look big in that photo, that you're too big to do this/wear this/act a certain way. The idea that someone, or everyone, is making fun of you when you're shopping in the supermarket "ha! A trolley full of fruit - who does she think she's kidding?" or out for a meal "look at that pig, shoveling all that shit down her throat".

I've always been 'bigger', in terms of weight, height and boobs when I was at school (yay, I hit puberty earlier then everyone else, cue social awkwardness from the age of 11 - 14) and never felt feminine. I actively rejected the feminine label when I was very young - 12 and under, declaring myself a tomboy, saying I was allergic to the colour pink and refusing to wear anything other than trousers which drove my poor mum insane.

When I grew up a bit at secondary school I was more relaxed about the whole girly thing, I wore dresses and skirts but wasn't very comfortable in myself and was in a group of friends who would pick up on EVERY detail and everyone had to follow the fashion trends, wear certain things, have their hair a certain way or they'd be picked on or kicked out of the group.

I always felt like the fat one (and, in my friend group, I definitely was) and the fat insult would always be used in any argument I had with friends, although quickly retracted when we made up of course. I went through years of self-loathing and gained further weight when I left home as I had control over what I could eat and ate through a lot of guilt and more self-loathing.

Now that I've lost 60+lbs that feeling still remains, although lessened, and I am constantly looking at other women and trying to work out if that's how I look to other people - I am extremely unsure of what clothing size I am, no matter how many size 10s that I try on and fit, and even more unsure of how other people perceive me. This is partly to do with the large weight loss but it's more to do with what's going on inside my head, I don't know myself entirely and I find it incredibly difficult to see the difference between how I now look and how I looked before (one of the reasons that I post several before/after photos as when they're next to each other the difference is undeniable).

I don't really know what the answer is but all I do know is that I'm still very anxious about being the fat one and about people thinking that I'm bigger and pitying or dismissing me as a result. I guess it's confidence more than anything that I need to work on - much more difficult than the physical diet and exercise side of weight loss but still needs to be addressed.


  1. Wow...I could have written this post. I completely understand how you feel. 100%. It's very difficult for anyone who hasn't experienced what we have to understand either.

    When I wear something that's a little revealing, something that any other woman would probably wear out in public, I feel like I shouldn't be wearing it and I'm a nervous wreck the entire time...tugging, pulling, fidgeting. I never feel comfortable in my own skin...regardless of the size I'm wearing. What's even worse is that different sizes come in, well...different sizes. A size 10 at Target is smaller than a size 10 at Old Navy and much larger than a size at Forever21. It's a mind meld!

    I understand.

    I can say, as an outsider looking at your images that you post, you look fantastic. You look well-proportioned and healthy. I love your shape, too. I wish I were as lean as you look in your photos. Take it or leave it, you know I'm honest and I'm not just saying that to make you feel better. You really do look fantastic.

    1. Yes! I am constantly fiddling with my clothes and I don't think it helps that right now 99% of my clothes are too big so when I look at myself it makes me look bigger than I am anyway. I think a UK 10 is a US 6 but I'm not sure, but we have the exact same problems here, a size 10 is (in many places) more like an 8. I've read that it's because companies want to keep their costs down and obviously making smaller sizes means their costs are smaller because of less material. Blah. There needs to be a standard size across stores but I don't think that'll happen.

      Thank you, it's hard to take compliments but truly thank you.

  2. oh my goodness.... right there with you. I am exactly the same... I think no matter what I will weigh I always have the "fat demons" in my head and it is so true that they are harder to beat than the actual weight.. I have lost just over 35lbs and truly can't see the difference in my body although I know it has changed due to having to buy a new wardrobe because all my clothes were too big... the only thing I can say it that you are not alone and people don't think those things about you even though in your head you think they are... all we can do is work our hardest to win the mental game and love our bodies... I know it's alot easier said than done!

    1. Yeah, it's difficult and those thoughts generally don't have much to do with what weight you're at it seems. I tend to have cycles of feeling good about myself and then my confidence plummeting, ups and downs you know.

  3. I'm definitely there with you. Despite having lost 70 pounds already, I still feel big, and sometimes feel like I'm judged for doing all the exercise and healthy eating I do, but still not being a healthy weight. It is definitely to do with confidence. I hope that when I do get smaller these feeling will go away, but I don't think they will by themselves, I think it is something I'll have to work on. The mental side of weight loss is definitely just as important as the healthy eating and exercise!

    Interesting what you say about before and after pictures, it is something I've hesitated to do up until now, but I've been feeling more and more recently that it is something I should do, I just don't know where to start!

    If it helps at all, I think you look fab, I've envious of your figure!

  4. I completely understand! At this point I look at other women who are supposedly the same clothing size as me, and I can't believe I'm that big! *blush* You're doing great, working through the mental/emotional aspects of weight loss is just as challenging as the physical part, I think.